Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Africa is God's country, and He can have it. (Animal Crackers)

This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on. (Animal Crackers)

One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather. (Animal Crackers)

One morning, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas I don't know. (Animal Crackers)

We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks. (Animal Crackers)

Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. (Monkey Business)

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? (Monkey Business)

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? (Horse Feathers)

My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team. (Horse Feathers)

Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice. (Horse Feathers)

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived. (Horse Feathers)

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. (Horse Feathers)

I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Clear? Huh! Why a 4-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a 4-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it. (Duck Soup)

Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you. (Duck Soup)

Say! You cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it. I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. (Duck Soup)

You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. (Duck Soup)

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. (Duck Soup)

Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon. (Duck Soup)

Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. (Duck Soup)

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay. (Night at the Opera)

You're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. And for a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie. (Night at the Opera)

No, no, I'd rather not. I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling. (At the Circus)

I'd have thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn't have a tape measure. (Go West)

We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he
orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself. (A Night in Casablanca)

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. (Double Dynamite)

There were three things that Chico was always on: a phone, a horse, or a broad.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.